Reflecting

Lately, I seem to be experiencing alot more "grief bursts". Not sure what is bringing them all on, but they are very present and very painful.

Some of the things that have been in my mind lately:

Ger, I hated it when you threw my ENTIRE Princess Diana collection of People magazines away. BUT, I loved it that you let me cry when she died and even though you didn't get it, you just hugged me and let me cry. I also love that you bought me a Diana book for Christmas that year!

It has been intensely painful for me to not only allow others to grieve by not talking about you or your life and death, but to embrace that as an individual's way of grieving. I recently found this and thought it very insightful:
"The anniversary date of a loved one's death is particularly significant. You will have done something you thought was impossible a few months earlier. You will have survived an entire year without someone who was as important to you as life itself."
This is exactly what I wish I could have expressed last year as we not only mourned OUR loss, but celebrated that you were living with our God and probably having some great theological discussions with him! ;)

It has been so hard for me to be criticized for embracing my faith by some of the people in my life that I never would have thought would abandon me in my very darkest of hours. If I had to go through this, knowing that you weren't in a better place or knowing that I would see you again, I don't think I could have made it this far. I pray daily for God to help soften my heart and embrace those people. I've cried many tears at church...I know they all understand.

Music gets me. Always has, always will. This song will probably always make me cry. It just embraces all that I feel.

"Never Let Go" By Matt Redman
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back I know You are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus: Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

So, I guess all the nay-sayers can criticize all they want, but I know what is true and I know where you are and I know tht I will be there with you some day! Even though I desperately long for that day, especially when the pain is so intense that I don't think I can do it, I know that He has a plan for me, for the kids, and He had a plan for you too. I wish I could say I understand it, but I really really don't.

Ger, I miss you with every ounce of my being. I still can't believe you are gone some days and sometimes I just hate that my life is what it is. I can't believe that both you and dad were taken from us so close together and that we are left behind to try to pick up the pieces. I love you sweetie....always will.